--TRANSCRIPT: REBA OF RIVERMILL--
--UNHEARD INTERLOCUTOR: DEIRDREY OF RIVERMILL, MOTHER--
<uneven, high-pitched giggling>
Mom! ....Mom, heeh. heheh, Mom... <sustained laughter>
Yeah. <laughter> Hi. <laughter> Hi! I love you too. I love you. Hi. <laughter>
Mmmmmm.
Yeah. Arright. Kay. <deep sigh>
Mkay. Hi. I should be...mm. Two more minutes.
<pause>
<high-pitched giggling>
Mmmm, all right, Mom. You know what? Oh, it's crazy. Okay. I won't. Okay. One minute. One minute.
<gutteral rumble>
All right. I think I'm good now. I'm good. Yeah. It's good to see you. Mom! My life is crazy! The world is crazy! Do you want to hear about it? <nervous laughter>
All right. Well, I'm on an island called Salgamanda. I'm here--<belch> Sorry, I'm okay. I'm here after spending three days at sea with a naval crew. They're, like, not quite at war, but it's getting maybe close, and I'm here with them now, they're on leave. Mom, that's nothing to get all wide eyed over, do I have to tell you when to start getting interested? That's nothing, Mom. That's life. All right, hold on, I have to wait. I have to get my breath. Hold on, I'll get something out.
<slow breathing>
I'm pretty good now, thanks. I'm pretty lucid. All right, Mom. I'm in love. I'm in love.
It's the most wonderful thing. No. All right, listen. Listen up, Mom. I'm in love with a guy...Mom. Listen. I'm in love with a guy who f**ked his own mom, killed his dad and all his family, and then killed the god of his people and...and everyone on his entire f**king planet. Ah yeah, he's an alien. He also spent decades as a slave and as a harlot. He's, like, almost four and a half times my age. Do you like him yet? <laughter> No, I'm f**king serious, Mom, I'm not f**king throwing you, Mom, I'm f**king serious. You know me. You know me. <laughter> No, for real! I'm--no, wait! Don't you want me to tell you the bad parts? I should probably tell you the bad stuff, too! <laughter>
Okay, Mom. The bad part is...shut up. The bad part is...he's an incorrigible flirt. <giggling>
I'm--no. No! Well, I'm *always* plastered when I call you, I can't do it otherwise. <incoherent> I'm *fine* now. I was telling you the f**king truth. I'm in love with a guy who's a hundred and forty-eight years old. And he's a bat. Except he's not a bat, he's an ancient warrior for good and evil and the balance of the cosmos. Mm. And he's from, he's the last of his people, except for the ones that aren't the last, I mean he's not the last but he doesn't believe it, he doesn't know it, and he's, like, fuzzy and scaly at the same time. It's *impossible*. I don't *know*. Shut *up*, Mom. You are, too! Are you going to let me finish? No, I'm not coming back. Well, okay, sure, I'm coming back! I want to take him to meet you. That'd be swell. His name's Jin.
I'll do that as soon as I'm done having a spiritual realigment and helping a loner, I mean an exiled, a stranded fox fighter spaceman back home to his people. I'll do that, we've been having a good time wandering around the city, doing some shopping and playing music and having fun, but even so. He's been really good for me, good to have around, but chances are he can't stay forever.
Yeah, well I'll probably end up dropping him back in the middle of space, where he'll probably die, and then--oh, I think I'm gonna have to help my friend Migo find his long-lost father, he's been wondering about him. I mean, he's probably dead but maybe he went dimension-hopping a bunch of years back and he's somewhere looking for, I don't know, a way to--oh. Oh okay! Right, so I'll just tell Migo that. You f**king **expletive deleted**, Mom. <laughter> Okay, when you're done sleeping with Migo's dad, send him back and we'll wrap that up and then I'll take Jin to meet you. He's probably gonna charm your pantaloons off. He's--no, he's just a charmer, I should have said that. He's really very very charming. He's like...he'll glare the eyeballs out of any guy who tries to even--I mean, he'll glare at them and then like threaten to kill them but subtly, but not really, so if I stick with him I'll be protected forever, Mom. Mom. Shut up, please, Mom. Please. Quiet. I'll start at the beginning. Sorry. Mom.
Do you want--do you want to live forever?
f**k! Yes! Will you listen? I talk to Jin, and every time I talk to Jin he tells me more junk, and it's all so incredible I can't keep it straight, but one thing that he said to me. Several times. He said that he is immortal, like all his people, the Tisiphonians, and that what's more, he says there is a way to make other people immortal. He said it like it's not easy. Like it's, you kill half your soul or something, but that can't be it because he wanted me to do it, and he would never want me to kill half my soul, because he loves me too much. He said it like it's really hard, but it--I think he meant it, I think he doesn't lie to me! He's a f**king brilliant magician, the strongest I ever saw, and I think he's completely on the level, except for when he's flirting his ass off. I want him to do it to me. I want to see if I really want--Mom! No, that's not what I meant. I meant I want to live forever! I mean it wouldn't really be forever, it'd just be an end to the aging process, I could still get--skewered, by some...by some spear and die a lot. I mean...well that's what I'm telling you! I don't know! I haven't asked him. I ignored him, I played it cool. I don't know. I want you to have it too, but I don't know if that's completely uncouth or asking too much and it's like the fisherman and his wife. Jin is a magic flounder. I love a flounder who's worth...what, he's a harlot worth *millions*. He's like the best harlot in the world. People pay six figures for one night he says, or they used to. Well, come on! Will you trust me? I believe him. He loves me, I believe everything he says. You have to trust me.
Well, if that's how you feel, all right. I won't, but I'll still ask. I mean, I'll find out eventually. Mom, if I marry him, will you be mad?
I know, but please, if I want to marry him, can I? May I? I want to know what I can do.
Okay. I'll be cool. But yes. I am *trying* my *best* but I am *terrified*. *Every single day* some weird stuff happens. I was attacked by pirates. This one guy who wanted to rape me. Did I mention that *everyone* here is an anthropomorphic animal? It's ridiculous. They're, like, mostly weasels and things, some canids, there's a raccoon guy on board but he's a dud, whatever, I get the idea they don't even--
You know the spaceman I mentioned? The shooter pilot? He came to this dimension in a fluke explosion while he was fighting the most horrible race of...destroyers...ever. Diabolical ravagers. They're...no, they're aliens too. I don't know what they look like. *He* doesn't even know. Wait, yes he does and yes I do. Scorpions or insects or something. Hard-bodies things with lots of legs. No, the way they fight it's like...they never talk to anyone, they just destroy, and they keep expanding, pushing, ravaging, scouring...!
They're called the Scourge. And I kept telling Emery, you're lucky, you--he's called Emery Wicklift. I kept telling him you're lucky, you're safe, you're safe! You can stay here and you'll never have to face the Scourge again unless you want to, and he still wants to, he wants to fight for his people. But here, now, I'm thinking...the way between dimensions just gets easier and easier to cross, and...I was having this dream and I couldn't sleep, because--yeah, what if they do! There's the bad side! There's the whole bad side, the terrible, terrible side I never considered! What if they come--everywhere? I mean, what if between the worlds becomes just another dimension to them? What if they just start...oozing up, and out, and...<expressive noise> And then everyone is like...bunched together in the little bag of cloth, the little bundle at the bottom of the universe, and...it's just smaller and smaller and...<expressive noise> ...they finish it? They take it out?
Well, I'm more and more worried it could really happen. And I shouldn't have told Emery he's safe, because he's not...he's not...none of us really can say we're safe, it's just bad news he brought, it's terrifying...
<crying> Oh f**k I don't want the universe to....
Oh, Mom...but it's...it's okay for now...I mean, focus on what's real and for sure, it's great really...I'm doing great...<crying>
I'm in love with Jin and I'm in love with this adventure. I want to work out what's going on but I have to help--first I have to ask him what's the deal with the history he showed me, and there was a mystic Fox, and a Wolf, and they fought over me. Okay, okay, well not, they didn't fight over me really, they were fighting over Jin or something. The Fox said he wanted me to stay with Jin. That I'm good for him. He went into my dreams! I was at great-granny's grave and he hijacked it and stole my dream and told me to stay with Jin. It was actually pretty cool. I was running through the bowels of the ship naked, except for a blanket, and they came, the Wolf came to me and threatened me, and the Fox said that Jin was--no, this part is before the dream, it was real! He said that that night since we came back from our mind trip that he was really the Wolf in disguise the whole time...which I thought was bullshit, but I don't know...there are so many confusing bits to work out. Mom! He told me, the Fox guy told me he would give me improved eyesight, he even gave me a sample, and I turned him down. He even told me I could turn it off if I wanted and I *still* turned him down. I said no. I'm crazy, Mom. I think I must be crazy. But this is so intense, it's too much to take in, so I'm *trying* to take it as slow as I can but it's just so fast and intense, and I feel like I'm going to probably have sex with Jin in like a week, and then who knows, maybe that's how you become immortal. <laughs>
He said he wants me to make his babies and I can make them into funky hybrids with some bits of him, like he's got this wacky prehensile tail that he likes to stroke me with, and I want the kids to have that. <laughter> What do you think? Should I give them his tongue, too? It's like a snaky long tongue, a bat's tongue. I want them to have my legs, his legs are dumb. <laughter> I think so, I don't know because I haven't talked it over but I think so! I'm so scared, Mom. I'm thinking I'm going to lose him. I'm going to probably lose it all so don't get your hopes up. I'm so terrified of what's going to happen.
<laughter>
I love you so much. Let's get married and have kids. Mom, he had a kid with his mother. With his own mother! We should do that. <nervous laughter>
Okay, fine. I'll go and...I'll stop. No, I had these crazy moments on the soother morsels. I started flipping out on Jin and then I passed out. I'm trying to cut down or cut that one out completely. I need to drink, though. Well, I'm on a f**king island paradise, you know, so I'm going to drink. I'm probably going to get completely sloshed and start blabbing secrets and that's why he'll leave...but you know, he'll never leave me, Mom. That's the thing. That's the thing, he loves me like mad. I don't know why. It's crazy, he loves me, and he's so devoted, and I think the only way it can really go wrong is if he scares me so much that I run away and leave him, and it almost happened, two or three times, it already happened. I almost left him. I'm so confused about it. I think my entire worldview is going to be, like, defined by him, because he's going to tell me that everything you told me was dead wrong, and you're going to feel so dumb...
I really do love you, though. Still. You were totally wrong about the beginning of the universe. You were probably wrong about the rest of your metaphysics, too. It's okay. I'll take him to meet you, you'll find out.
Wow. Isn't that great? I love the world now. I'm scared but it's probably all for the best. It's just getting weirder. Every year I love it more. I'll tell you when I find out.
Okay. Is Alatia okay? Have you heard from her? Cool. What's she doing now?
I should go. I want to catch up but it's just too crazy. No one's died. Right? Faldis, how's he? Okay. Mom, I want to talk for another day or two but I should probably go now. I'm so impressed and excited. I want to blow up. I love you.
I wasn't lying about any of it. Except the flounder part, I mean that was metaphorical. He's like a dragon or something. Okay, I'll talk to you soon. Goodbye. Goodbye! I know, it's crazy. See you. So long.
<deep breathing>
